In my last post, the first of my life, I identified some key topics that could be of interest to write about. To recap:

1) Being a middle class twat (I definitely like this angle, but I am sure this will come naturally. Therefore focusing on being part of the woefully entitled yet “squeezed” middle class seems a waste. Surely I can just mock everything in my path with the same nonchalance I apply to looking so pretty on a daily basis. Take it all in my stride.

2) Arsenal. As if that needs its own heading, I spend most my personal blog reading time focusing on other wankers complaining about that, and seeing as I dont drive a Taxi, I probably dont qualify to make moronic comments frequently enough to be a real fan.

3) Sitcom writer. Lets just assume that I am not going to finish it in the immediate future, and that my time writing stupid blogs no one reads might actually give me a small scale taste for the potential failure that could have been a sitcom. Still though, I maintain that a small town Surrey cricketing village being home to two great porn directors battling it out to be king of smut, centred around the awkward coming of age adolescent love story between Max, and Fleur de Lille – the Romeo and Juliet from each side of the porn tracks, made for some humorous moments. Will the father ever regain his coveted Stiffy award? Will the son make the cricket team? Will he fall in love? Will the megalomaniacal agent sabotage it all? On a side note – is megalomaniacal a word? I could write a blog about all the words I supposedly make up according to my girlfriend; she’s only right 50% of the time which illustrates 2 things; I have an active vocabulary of lies half the time, and the other half she is wrong, portraying a lack of knowledge. Small victories. Anyway – the point is – I dont really know the answers to the questions above because I never finished that fucking sitcom, which you might notice is still a source of pain. On the plus side – my laptop did get stolen with all the original notes – so clearly good things do come to those who wait… too long to do anything productive about their creativity.

Lesson learned. Ok – so perhaps the sitcom might be worthwhile providing in anecdotal format. Its going in the maybe pile along with “insecure dreams involving how Aryan my housemate looks”, “weird dreams I have involving how much I love cats”, “the same, re: penguins” and “the many ways to make flagrantly racist comments on a regular basis whilst clearly displaying signs of not being racist at all, without having to resort to the phrase, “I have a black friend”.

Thats quite a good maybe pile. Maybe I’ll just work on the maybe pile instead.Anyway; back to the deliberation board:

4) The wealthy entrepreneur angle – I feel that writing about the woes of starting a start up has definitely been done, but perhaps not by someone as sarcastic as me. Deep down my experience of this world is mixed; lovely genuine people who are quite helpful, nice, well meaning, enthusiastic, etc…. mixed with people with great delusions of grandeur, no sense of process or logic, and ready to talk total WANK to you about things they know nothing about, with an incredible swagger of confidence. You can see why I feel I fit in. I could be like the self hating startup spy.

5) Yeah that Jewish thing, I think that’s just going to pop up every now and again. Firstly, the only way I have time to write a blog at all, is in between the moments I’m not responding to my mums calls or texts about fairly inane things. On Friday she told me she had 3 of her teeth removed at the Dentist. Fairly standard procedure for her, she has bad teeth. Guess what? I had no interest in seeing this and told her that. Guess what again? She pretty much shoved her mouth on to me and Natalie (my girlfriend) immediately after us saying we didnt want to see it. Says it all. I’m sure every post has space for one more “Jewmumism”. Trademark that shit.

Ok – so to recap – the YES pile has funneled down to:

Incorporating being a middle class twat throughout my finely tuned writings. (Promise these will become more concise), whilst writing predominantly about doing a startup, and throw in a few things my mum said. As for Arsenal – they are bound to set the tone for my writing on a depressingly regular basis so they hardly need their own focus. And seeing as I want to share the general storyline of Stiff Competition – the part masterpiece part almost sitcom written by myself and follow tortured but rather failed genius, Joel Freeman, every other blog post will feature a continuation of the story as it unfolds until I have summarised the whole thang.

So that’s it. I’ve done it! By talking total shit for a second time in a completely conversational style I have finally decided. This is a technology start up blog for the middle class cynics half the time, and the other half the time – tis a fictional sitcom world set in Dormisland, Surrey, England. Which means the next blog post, is all about the start of Stiff Competition, episode 1. I can smell your anticipation.

Cling on to the edge of your seats people and hold thy breath. This blog is going to mildly entertain you like a watching the “Charlie bit my finger” video for the 4th time.

PS: If you do have comments on my making up of words and aren’t Natalie (therefore your comments can be validated by knowledge rather than ignorance) then please let me know. If however you are Natalie, you can let me know during sex sometime, when I might be more receptive.

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What’s all this blogging about then?.

I work in media, I suppose that means I need to consider blogging. Considered and done. Now for the only question that really matters – Will I become one of those many millions of people who’s voice is lost in the ether, or will my efforts to publish some semblance of valuable, meaningful communication become some kind of bold legacy when I am long gone? I have other questions… Will I learn how to cut down my very verbal rambling style of writing? Will I ever quit all this media nonsense to become a writer? Will I actually use my English language and literature degree for the greater good, or will I just accept that I’m yet another wanker with a blog. I think I’ve already accepted that actually.

As far as I understand it, blogs are meant to have a purpose. So here’s mine: to better the world with a content rich blog about the trials and tribulations of being a middle class Jewish Londoner who works in advertising, loves (and hates) Arsenal and wants to become either a successful sitcom writer, or a wealthy entrepreneur. I think this is niche enough to gather quite a specific and passionate audience. I will explain why:

1) Being middle class means I dont have to moan about living off the state by claiming welfare (insensitive lad) but I’m also not (yet) enough of a tosser to have a boat, play croquet on Sundays with Mildred, or learn to strum a harp. This makes me a “mild, to medium sized wanker” and I can live with that.

2) Arsenal. Everyone loves an underdog, and lads like reading about football. So I was never going to ignore this extremely important part of my life.

3) Sitcom writer. Ahhh the sitcom that never happened but fuck me I’ve spent a lot of my time trying to write. Maybe I can put some scenes on here for critical approval. Maybe I can just finish it. I was certain it was going to be a hit, and yet I never quite finished it. Signs of a tortured genius perhaps? For those that dont know it was called Stiff competition, and I promise you the content was at least mediocre. Now you’re hooked.

4) The wealthy entrepreneur angle – well, entrepreneurs are a nice tight knit supportive community, and basically we all search for the next big idea, make similar mistakes and swan around like we are moments away from hitting the proverbial nail on the head, when in reality we all suffer from dillusions of grandeur. In the interest of self mockery, I am sure this will provide a few classic moments to condescend myself.

5) Which brings me on to my last topic. Jewishness. Condescending oneself, or self depracation, being a fine Jewish trait is one thing, however I don’t fit quite the same Orthodox mould that others do. In fact, my main reason to bring up religion at all is my mother. She’s a typical Jewish mother… and a bit more. She’s absolutely hilarious at times, and for me not to share some of her gems with the world would be selfish.

So that’s the intro. More to come. Or perhaps I’ll forget to write another post ever again and will have wasted my time. Whatevs, we’ll see.

PS: Oh and I’m also on a super gay (sorry if that offends anyone, I mean happy, homosexual happy) diet and gym routine so that in the summer I look as fit as my girlfriend. I am sick and tired of people telling me I’m punching above my weight. Soon I’ll be punching them above their waist. MEGALOLZ. Long live wordplay.

Peace.

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