In my last post, the first of my life, I identified some key topics that could be of interest to write about. To recap:

1) Being a middle class twat (I definitely like this angle, but I am sure this will come naturally. Therefore focusing on being part of the woefully entitled yet “squeezed” middle class seems a waste. Surely I can just mock everything in my path with the same nonchalance I apply to looking so pretty on a daily basis. Take it all in my stride.

2) Arsenal. As if that needs its own heading, I spend most my personal blog reading time focusing on other wankers complaining about that, and seeing as I dont drive a Taxi, I probably dont qualify to make moronic comments frequently enough to be a real fan.

3) Sitcom writer. Lets just assume that I am not going to finish it in the immediate future, and that my time writing stupid blogs no one reads might actually give me a small scale taste for the potential failure that could have been a sitcom. Still though, I maintain that a small town Surrey cricketing village being home to two great porn directors battling it out to be king of smut, centred around the awkward coming of age adolescent love story between Max, and Fleur de Lille – the Romeo and Juliet from each side of the porn tracks, made for some humorous moments. Will the father ever regain his coveted Stiffy award? Will the son make the cricket team? Will he fall in love? Will the megalomaniacal agent sabotage it all? On a side note – is megalomaniacal a word? I could write a blog about all the words I supposedly make up according to my girlfriend; she’s only right 50% of the time which illustrates 2 things; I have an active vocabulary of lies half the time, and the other half she is wrong, portraying a lack of knowledge. Small victories. Anyway – the point is – I dont really know the answers to the questions above because I never finished that fucking sitcom, which you might notice is still a source of pain. On the plus side – my laptop did get stolen with all the original notes – so clearly good things do come to those who wait… too long to do anything productive about their creativity.

Lesson learned. Ok – so perhaps the sitcom might be worthwhile providing in anecdotal format. Its going in the maybe pile along with “insecure dreams involving how Aryan my housemate looks”, “weird dreams I have involving how much I love cats”, “the same, re: penguins” and “the many ways to make flagrantly racist comments on a regular basis whilst clearly displaying signs of not being racist at all, without having to resort to the phrase, “I have a black friend”.

Thats quite a good maybe pile. Maybe I’ll just work on the maybe pile instead.Anyway; back to the deliberation board:

4) The wealthy entrepreneur angle – I feel that writing about the woes of starting a start up has definitely been done, but perhaps not by someone as sarcastic as me. Deep down my experience of this world is mixed; lovely genuine people who are quite helpful, nice, well meaning, enthusiastic, etc…. mixed with people with great delusions of grandeur, no sense of process or logic, and ready to talk total WANK to you about things they know nothing about, with an incredible swagger of confidence. You can see why I feel I fit in. I could be like the self hating startup spy.

5) Yeah that Jewish thing, I think that’s just going to pop up every now and again. Firstly, the only way I have time to write a blog at all, is in between the moments I’m not responding to my mums calls or texts about fairly inane things. On Friday she told me she had 3 of her teeth removed at the Dentist. Fairly standard procedure for her, she has bad teeth. Guess what? I had no interest in seeing this and told her that. Guess what again? She pretty much shoved her mouth on to me and Natalie (my girlfriend) immediately after us saying we didnt want to see it. Says it all. I’m sure every post has space for one more “Jewmumism”. Trademark that shit.

Ok – so to recap – the YES pile has funneled down to:

Incorporating being a middle class twat throughout my finely tuned writings. (Promise these will become more concise), whilst writing predominantly about doing a startup, and throw in a few things my mum said. As for Arsenal – they are bound to set the tone for my writing on a depressingly regular basis so they hardly need their own focus. And seeing as I want to share the general storyline of Stiff Competition – the part masterpiece part almost sitcom written by myself and follow tortured but rather failed genius, Joel Freeman, every other blog post will feature a continuation of the story as it unfolds until I have summarised the whole thang.

So that’s it. I’ve done it! By talking total shit for a second time in a completely conversational style I have finally decided. This is a technology start up blog for the middle class cynics half the time, and the other half the time – tis a fictional sitcom world set in Dormisland, Surrey, England. Which means the next blog post, is all about the start of Stiff Competition, episode 1. I can smell your anticipation.

Cling on to the edge of your seats people and hold thy breath. This blog is going to mildly entertain you like a watching the “Charlie bit my finger” video for the 4th time.

PS: If you do have comments on my making up of words and aren’t Natalie (therefore your comments can be validated by knowledge rather than ignorance) then please let me know. If however you are Natalie, you can let me know during sex sometime, when I might be more receptive.